Ready for the action? Let's go.
We got into the triage room around 3:45 a.m. De ja vue hit me hard since this was the same late night timing as Lucas's labor. I was so nervous, afraid we had come to the hospital too soon. With Lucas, I was 7cm dilated when we arrived to the hospital and the level of pride and elation I felt was indescribable. I was worried this time I wouldn't be as far along and for some reason that stressed me out. Angie was the midwife on call, and as she checked me she grinned and told me I was 6cm and 100% effaced. I smiled a big smile of relief and felt a boost of confidence that we had made the right decision. They monitored me in triage for a while to make sure baby girl was tolerating labor, and she passed the test with flying colors. Since she passed the test with no heart rate decelerations during contractions, I was allowed to stay off of continuous monitors during labor and not have an IV. Brandon and I then moved into our labor room and called in the troops.
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| (This picture shows our early delirium and excitement, it was 4:54 a.m. and I was 6cm!) |
Labor progressed pretty seamlessly as time went by. My contractions hadn't ramped up to the intensity that they did with Lucas which was so surprising to me. I should have known to just stop comparing the two labors, but that's impossible. My contractions were hanging out at every 5 minutes apart but we had occasional spaces of 8 to 10 minutes in between some of them. I was afraid this was a sign of a long long labor coming, but I was enjoying the brief reprieve between contractions to close my eyes and catch my breath. At 7:00 a.m. the midwives switch shifts. Kathy came in with my nurse Erin and they wanted to check me to see what kind of progress we had made. I was 8cm! I mentally prepared myself for transition to begin, aka hell on earth. We talked to Kathy about the longer spaces in between contractions and how that worried us, but she told us not to worry. She said, "every labor is different. The point of labor is making progress. Your body is making progress doing it this way. Use the breaks wisely and rest. Your body is doing what it needs to do." That made so much sense to me, so we did just that. Kathy is the director of the group of midwives that work at UNC and she said she had to go to a meeting so Angie would stay and cover her until she got back at 9:30. She gave clear instructions to our nurse to page her if I felt the "overwhelming urge to push" (a phrase we would hear numerous times throughout the day) or if my water broke and she would come back because that's when things could really speed up. So we got to work, working through contractions like we were doing at home.
In the meantime, one of the anesthesia residents came by the room to offer me an epidural. I am not here to judge anyone on their birth plans so please don't hear it like that. But I didn't want an epidural. One of the main reasons I delivered with the midwives is to allow me to have a low intervention, safe, and natural delivery. That was our plan with Lucas as well, but things didn't happen as planned. The anesthesia team saw that this was my second delivery and that on my first I ended up with an epidural, so I understand why he came in. What I don't understand is why he stayed. I am trying to politely tell him through contractions "no thank you" to his offer, and he kept prying as to why. Did you not have a good experience the first time? Was it because you got one of those wicked headaches? Do you suffer with chronic headaches now? Why don't you want one? No, no, and no sir please GET THE **** OUT OF MY ROOM. I think he got the message, but he said "ok well I'll check back with you later." NO! GET! OUT! [please know I didn't yell cuss or take a swing at him, but he did get the picture and he did not return.] As he left, we all looked at each other and just shook our heads in disbelief.
Angie came in to check on us at 8:30 and asked if anything had changed. I told her I was still feeling most of the labor in my lower back but was starting to feel some pressure down in my butt {one of the not so glamorous parts of labor that only your closest friends will tell you about}. She checked me again and said those magical words, "with the next contraction if you feel the urge to push, go for it. You're complete!" What?! Cue the tears. All of us started crying out of pure JOY because this was so so good. We stopped for a minute and mom prayed, it was a beautiful moment. The next contraction came and I made myself push. I pushed as hard as I could but it just didn't feel right. I was trying to channel that "uncontrollable urge" thinking that maybe this was it and I just wasn't doing it right. With Lucas, I had the epidural but I thought I still felt everything to push. Was this what it felt like? I was trying to remember. Because they told me with Lucas that the spinal injection they did was gone and this is why it hurt to push. So this is it, right? I continued to push and we all knew something wasn't right. Angie checked me again and found that in fact I wasn't quite complete. There was a piece of my cervix that was still there but was very posterior which is why she didn't feel it the first time. She told us the update which explained why I still didn't feel that uncontrollable and undeniable urge to push. She offered to try to stretch the last little bit as I was pushing, but was unsure if this would actually work. Of course I said let's try because emotionally we had been in such a good place I didn't want to feel like the chance to have this baby now was just taken from me. We tried for about 45 minutes with no progress so Angie said we needed to take a break, it wasn't time to push. She left us alone to continue to labor.
Guys, I can't explain how the mood of the room completely became deflated. It was like we had been told that we won the lottery but then were told it was all a big mistake that we actually couldn't have our prize. We all started remembering Lucas's labor, how I stalled at 9cm, and the hours and hours and interventions and scares that happened afterwards. This can't be happening again. It can't.
Kathy came back from her meeting and checked in with us. My contractions had spaced back out to every 8-10 minutes apart, and we all felt defeated. Kathy basically told us we needed to snap out of it. This was not defeat. We can't reminisce of the past, this was a different labor. Don't compare it to anything. Remember my body is doing work. Making changes. Rest between contractions. She told us we needed to try some position changes in the meantime to get Addy to rotate from her posterior position. Kathy left us with positioning instructions and said she had another laboring mom a few rooms down, so again she told Erin to call her when either the "overwhelming urge to push" hit or my water broke. Same song, second verse. So I was rotating from side to side for a while so I could rest between contractions and finally ended up on my knees facing backwards in the bed with the bed sitting all the way up. I knew being on my hands and knees was the best position to spin a posterior baby, but the level of fatigue in my legs and hips was something I had never felt before. I felt like I couldn't hold my weight up and anytime I tried my legs would shake uncontrollably. I'm not sure how long I was on my knees in the bed, but something happened at noon. To use the analogy from a friend, labor went from a ride on a trolley car to a ride on a freight train.
At 12:00 on the nose, my body went into birthing mode. I feel like there are no words to describe the feelings that overtook my body. It was like a beautiful mix of the most intense pain imaginable and an awareness of exactly what my body needed to do to get this baby out...and that was PUSH. The whole "uncontrollable urge to push" phrase everyone kept using? Yep. This is it. When the freight train hit I was still on my knees facing the back of the bed. I screamed (which surprised me) and my water broke with a big pop. My nurse took the doppler to check Addy's heart rate and I had already started pushing uncontrollably. Kathy was still down the hall with the other mom, so Erin said "I'm going to have to catch this baby" and needed to glove up so Mom took the doppler from her to try to capture Addy's heart rate. When mom took the doppler from her, another contraction hit and more of my water shot out all over mom's arm. (Sorry, mom!) Somewhere in the mix, someone alerted Kathy that it was go-time for real now and another nurse came in to help Erin as I pushed and couldn't and wouldn't stop. I was still facing backwards because I couldn't make myself turn forwards in the bed, and as Erin was trying to check me I heard the other nurse back there whose voice I couldn't recognize and I started yelling at her, "who is that back there!?? WHERE! IS! KATHY!"
Somehow I got turned around in the bed and Kathy appeared. We found out later that she ran (literally) from the other delivery to our room. The other mom delivered right at 12:00 and Kathy had to finish up with her, then she ran down the hall changing her gown as she went to get to us. A bit dramatic, right? She quickly grabbed my focus as I was pretty out of control yelling and pushing. She kept telling me, "ASHLEY. Look at me. Stop yelling. Stop yelling or this baby is going to shoot out of you like a torpedo. I don't want to hear you yell anymore." My eyes were wide open staring at her only in those moments and all I could do was say "yes ma'am." You see, Kathy is pretty hard core. She is quite intimidating and doesn't give off the warm and fuzzy midwife vibe that one would think. She was an army nurse for a long time and that came in to play when she was whipping me into shape in those uncontrollable moments. So really, all I could do was listen to her. Every time I would start to yell she would make me focus on her again. She coached me through controlled and directed pushing when all I wanted to do was push uncontrollably and get the baby OUT. She slowed everything down and I'm very thankful for that. When Addy's head was coming out, her left hand was up against her cheek like she was posing for a picture. Although my body wasn't very thankful for that, I can't help but laugh. What a diva. Sometime during all of this, Kathy said "get your baby!" It took me a second to realize what she was saying until mom said "Ashley! Reach down and get her!" I snapped my eyes open again and looked down and grabbed our beautiful girl and brought her up to my chest. Brandon was right there at my head and we immediately were overwhelmed with every happy emotion in the book that she was here and she was perfect. 8 pounds, 1 ounce, 19 inches long of beauty entered our family at 12:26 pm as a little blonde Addison Elizabeth Hudson. We delayed cord clamping and when it was time, Brandon cut the umbilical cord.
The experience of a truly natural child birth was something that I wanted to experience with Lucas. We didn't get to do that, and his labor and birth were both difficult and beautiful. With Addison's labor and birth, it was also both difficult and beautiful but in a totally different way. I know some people wonder why in the world you would want to subject your body to the most immense pain imaginable. I don't know how to answer that question, only to compare it to those crazy people who choose to run marathons. Is that my thing? No. Is natural childbirth your thing? Maybe not. To each their own, they say. But one thing I do know is that I am so thankful for this experience. My body did something I didn't know it could do but I know it was designed to do. I can't help but allow this experience to point to our Creator, the one who designed the miracle of life and has blessed us so deeply to experience the immeasurable love a parent can have for their child.
As we held this new life in our arms, we were overwhelmed with love.
Welcome to the world, our sweet baby girl. We love you more than you will ever know.
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